Can We Talk About Social Media?
“Can we talk about social media?” The 15-year-old put down her fork and looked seriously at all of us at the table. She had our attention. “I would like to be on social media. I’m 15 and I think it’s time… but my dad does not agree.” She paused, had a bite of food, then looked at all of us and stated, “And I’d like to hear your opinion.”
We were at a dinner party last Friday night. Our friends invited us over to their house along with another couple. As we gathered in their dining room, their two daughters, ages 15 and 12, joined us.
The girls are going into 7th and 10th grade. Unlike many teens and pre-teens these days, both were genuinely interested in our “grown-up” conversation and in spending time with us rather than retreating to a different room. Throughout the evening they spoke with confidence— and no doubt had plenty to add to our diverse conversation.
But when the topic of social media came up, it was clear that the 15-year-old was frustrated.
She shared with the group that she is the only one among her friends (actually, the only one in her whole class) who doesn’t have a social media presence. She then asked if she could state her case to all of us and get feedback. She stated the following:
I am a responsible person. I have an iPhone. I have access to the internet. My parents can track where I am and can see what I do.
I am a good student. I don’t get in trouble. I play sports, manage my school work and my social life.
My friends all communicate through social media. But I can’t be included in any of those communities if I do not have access.
I know there are weird people out there. If I were on social media, I would have a private (not public) account, and I would only connect with people I know and trust. My parents could monitor my posts. I’ve already told them I have nothing to hide.
I’m going to college in two more years. I want my parents to trust me. I’d like to use these next two years to prove to them that I am responsible, and that social media isn’t going to change me as a person.
Her case was strong and compelling. She came across as mature and grounded— and clearly had done her homework.
However, her father disagreed. As someone who understandably is very protective of his daughters, Dad stated his case:
Social media friendships are not real. If you want to connect with people who are really your friends, you should pick up the phone and call or text them.
Once you put something on social media, you can never take it back. People have ruined their reputation, ruined their chance of getting jobs— even ruined their chance of getting into college— for mistakes they made on social media. I don’t want that to be you.
Your brain at age 15 is not fully formed yet. The algorithms embedded in social media prey on girls your age. You won’t realize it, but once you start clicking on posts and connecting with certain people, social media is going to track your every move and you will get sucked in.
We travel the world. Mom and I want you to see beautiful places, soak in experiences, and notice your surroundings. We want you to be present for our family trips, not obsessed with taking the perfect picture of a scene or a meal. I don’t want our trips to turn into you or your sister pausing to curate perfect posts.
Social media is not authentic. It’s not reality. When you post something, fake friends will either validate you with a heart, or invalidate you by not responding to your post. In my opinion, neither is good for your confidence or self-esteem. If we can avoid this for the next two years, I think you will be much safer.
Everyone at the table was intrigued.
From her perspective, the 15-year old was right. It was clear to us she really understands the importance of social media at her age, and the connectedness it provides to people all over the world.
From his perspective, Dad was also right. He is a physician and understands science. He knows the danger of algorithms and how powerful they are in rewiring the brain for addictive behavior. And he’s her Dad. He’s worried.
The 15-year-old wanted the rest of us to weigh in.
I shared how much appreciation I have for social media, and for me how it serves as a perpetual scrapbook of photos. I love that I can look back on the past 15 years and re-live so many experiences, trips, and moments just by scrolling through Facebook and Instagram. I also shared that I value the easy connections it creates— even with people I don’t see regularly.
Another friend sided with Dad. “Postpone the inevitable for as long as you can. Wait two more years until you go to college. I know this is not what you want to hear, but in 2 years you will be that much more mature, experienced, and grounded.”
The 12-year-old stepped up in support of her sister. “Dad, you say she should pick up the phone and call people if she wants to be friends with them. But no one does that. We want to connect with our family all over the world. We’d like to know what our cousins in Europe are up to— not just when we visit them, but all year round. And when we leave school for the summer, we want to see what our friends are up to between June and September. Dad, this is the way everyone does it.”
My partner shared another perspective. “I hear what the grown-ups are saying. But for me social media is important for a different reason. If you look at who I am connected to on Instagram, you’ll see that I follow a lot of kids your age. I like knowing what our friends’ kids are up to, and I ‘heart’ their accomplishments. I want them to know that another grown-up is here for them. Not only do I think your daughter could handle a social media presence, I also wonder if you’d consider having one of your own— just to see first-hand some of the benefits and connections it can offer?”
Mom sat quietly at the other end of the table, patiently observing the conversation. She happens to be someone who’s active on social media, and uses the various platforms to connect with— and positively influence— many people. She shared that she believes her daughter is ready for this next step.
Our discussion lasted an hour. It was fascinating, opinionated, and respectful, all at the same time. (You can empathize with almost everyone’s contribution to this conversation, can’t you?)
Do you want to know what Mom & Dad decided about their daughter getting social media?
I do not have that answer for you.
And that is because the final outcome of the conversation is not why I am sharing this story. If I told you Dad ultimately said no social media access for two more years, half of you would cheer for the parents. If I said that the parents decided to let her have social media, the other half of you would likely cheer in support of the teen.
Instead, I share this story with you for three reasons:
#1: It’s not easy being a parent, especially the parent of teenage girls. There are many scary things out there. We as parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles want to protect the kids we love, for as long as we can.
#2: It’s not easy being a teen, especially with social and societal pressures constantly weighing on them. Teens want freedom, autonomy and respect. At the same time, they are still young, and perhaps not always mature enough to handle big risks without some guidance.
#3: Please try to create a space for communication. This is so important for teens. They need to know they are being heard. What was so striking about our dinner party was the fact that open dialogue is common in this household. Both the kids and the parents can share opinions. Even if there is disagreement, there is also mutual respect.
Friends, make time for teens and pre-teens. Listen to their concerns and opinions before sharing yours. This is the time of year when everyone is returning to school. The stress and peer pressure and drama is about to ramp up. Think of this family’s story and the space they’ve created for full self-expression. See if you can create the same for the teens in your life. It could make all the difference for someone you love.
-A special thank-you to our friends and their incredible daughters for opening up their home to us, and for being willing to let me share their story.
This Month’s Resources & Cool Ideas
Social Media and Teens: The Negative Impacts
How does social media impact the brains of teens and cause potential harm? Read this article from Yale Medicine to better understand the science behind the concerns and worries that many parents have.
Social Media and Teens: The Positive Impacts
We hear from a lot of grownups about the negative impacts that social media has on teens. But researchers with the Pew Research Center surveyed 1,316 teens across the United States ages 13 to 17 from mid-April to early May. The youths were asked about their thoughts, feelings and use of social media. One theme of the survey’s results: Teens see their experience on social media as more positive than adults imagine it to be. Only 27% said that their experience is even worse than their parents think. Read here for the story.
For Something a Bit Lighter
Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from social media, binging your favorite shows, or watching this week’s episode of The Bachelor to do something educational. What about a great documentary? Want to learn something about a subject you currently know nothing about? Here is a list of the Best 30 Documentaries on Netflix as a place to start!
CRN202708-7092137. Securities and investment advisory services offered through registered representatives of MML Investors Services, LLC, Member SIPC. The Jamrog Group is not a subsidiary of MML Investors Services, or its affiliated companies. Supervisory Office: 330 Whitney Ave. Suite 600 Holyoke, MA 01040 Telephone: (413) 539-2000.
