Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
I know last month’s Wednesday Wisdom was focused on love and marriage. This month I’m bringing you the opposite topic: the challenges of divorce. This was prompted by my friend Kelly who recently shared that she and her husband are splitting up.
For Kelly, it’s been 5 months of anger, sadness, disappointment, and heartbreak. She and her husband have been together for 19 years and they have two teenage sons. The life she’s been accustomed to is now over. Kelly is facing the reality of managing a house without a life partner, and being alone for the first time since college.
Needless to say, this has not been easy.
Whether you’re the spouse who decided the marriage is over, or you’re the one being broken up with— or maybe the two of you have mutually decided to end it— divorce is always tough.
When Kelly first told me the news, my reaction was to hug her and tell her how sorry I was.
Then I did what a concerned friend would do: I peppered her with a ton of questions:
Are you okay?
What happened?
How are the boys handling it?
Will you keep the house?
Do you have a lawyer?
Yes, my questions were all very logical. But when I looked into my friend’s eyes welling up with tears, I quickly realized that she was not interested in logic nor my well-intentioned interrogation. She did not want to vent about her marriage. She was unprepared to dive into the details.
In that moment, she simply needed a friend.
Is any of this sounding familiar? For you, or maybe for a friend who’s going through this right now?
We all know that many marriages will not last a lifetime. In fact, post-Covid stats show that more than 50% of marriages will end in divorce. If this is your situation, please know that you do not have to embark on this journey alone.
I hear people describe their divorce experience as being lonely, devastating, and often feeling blind-sided.
Divorce details can be overwhelming. In addition to separating the family’s money, you must also figure out how you are going to divvy up household belongings, and which parent will host the kids for Christmas in even versus odd years.
“How did it ever come to this?” divorcing people find themselves asking.
It may be hard to believe, but it is possible to get divorced and feel secure and confident when it’s over. You’ll increase the chances of this happening if you’re willing to have these three important conversations, and in this order:
#1. Have a conversation with yourself. During it, ask:
What do I need? List all the basics like groceries, a comfortable place to live, tuition for the kids, summer camp costs, health insurance, and continued contributions to your own retirement account. This list helps you get grounded in reality.
What do I want? List everything on your wish list: I don’t want to move the kids out of this house. I’d like to vacation in a new place and start some new traditions. I want to start running again. This list creates possibilities for your new future.
What do we have to work with? Ask yourself, Do I have a sense of where all the money is (banks, investment accounts, cash in the safe)? Take inventory of everything. Ask this critical question: How much money do I need every month to support my lifestyle, both now and in the future? Getting clarity on your new budget is going to be imperative in negotiating your divorce. Trust me on this one.
Once you put pen to paper and start to build clarity around these questions, you’ll be better prepared for the next conversation:
#2. Have a Conversation with a Financial Advisor.
A financial advisor can help you take inventory of your assets, help you understand what you have, work with you to figure out what you need to live on your own, and create a plan for you in advance of any settlement. Together, you and your advisor can quantify how much you need to be saving for retirement, how much the kids will likely need for college, and what your ideal housing situation will be.
This approach is powerful. Working with a financial advisor helps you become more logical in advance of an emotional court date or a tense mediation meeting.
Being educated about finances creates confidence. Confidence leads to clarity. And clarity leads to better divorce negotiating.
Together, you and your financial advisor can confirm what you need for your new future. You’ll work backwards to know what you need to negotiate in the courtroom. Then you’re ready and empowered to meet with your divorce attorney for conversation #3.
#3. Have a Conversation with a Mediator or Divorce Attorney.
To be fair, most divorce lawyers are not financial experts—nor should they be. Their job is to help you negotiate the law and get your divorce settled in the most efficient way. Now imagine that you arrive at your attorney’s office with a draft of your new financial plan. He or she has a sense of what you need and what to advocate for on your behalf. Being prepared saves you both time, money and stress.
If you happen to be contemplating divorce, I suggest you spend some time thinking about what your new future could look like. Work with a caring, experienced financial advisor to help you build a financial plan before life gets too emotional or overwhelming. Most importantly, you will be able to walk bravely into your attorney’s office ready to negotiate for what you are clear you need.
If you know someone going through this process, give him or her a hug and forward this post to them. It could give your friend or relative some much-needed direction.
PS: If this message does not resonate at all with you, congratulations! To all you readers who are happily married, remember to let your spouse know how grateful you are for them. And to those of you who are happily single, I hope you continue enjoying your journey. A happy life is something worth working for, investing in, and always taking the time to appreciate.
For a deeper dive on the subject of divorce:
Here’s an article from Survive Divorce with some great Divorce Checklist Ideas
If you’d like to understand the different approaches to divorce (mediation, collaborative divorce, and litigation) click here for a simple explanation of your options.
How do you move forward post-divorce? Here are 12 key steps to start anew.
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