When You Don’t Know What to Do
I sent a text to my old friend Marcus six months ago. I hadn’t spoken with him in a while, but an article I came across reminded me of him and I wanted to share it. My text to him said “I saw this article and thought of you. I hope you’re having a great year!”
I received this message back: “Thanks for reaching out. I’m sorry to text you this news, but I want you to know I was just diagnosed with an aggressive form of stomach cancer. I’m having surgery in three weeks. I won’t know the outcome until the pathology results come back. Oddly, I feel at peace. I know this is surprising news. Let’s connect next month when I have more info. Please send prayers. Love you.”
My heart sank. My immediate thought was to call him. Then I changed my mind. I decided to text him a message like “I’m so sorry” but that sounded depressing. I changed my message to, “I’m so sad to hear this terrible news,” but that sounded self-centered. (I’m sad? Ugh, how must he be feeling?)
Instead I put my phone down and cried for a few minutes.
What are you supposed to do at a time like this?
How often have you found yourself at a loss for what to do to show your support and love to someone, especially during a difficult time?
I sent this question to a group of friends and received the most amazing feedback and ideas. Here are two that really stood out:
Annie’s mom had passed away unexpectedly. Her best friend Cathy was unable to make it home for the services. Not only did Cathy live across the country, but she had also just given birth to her first child. Cathy struggled with what to do to show her support for Annie from a distance. A few days after the funeral, Annie received a letter: “My dear friend, Today is Friday at noon your time. You and your family should be arriving to the church for your mother’s funeral right now. Although I cannot be there in person with you, I am going to take the next hour to be with you in spirit, and to write down all the wonderful things I remember about your mom.” Cathy proceeded to capture five pages of stories, memories, and funny advice that Annie’s mom had given them growing up. She began writing at the beginning of the funeral, and concluded her letter one hour later: “It’s now 1pm and Mom’s funeral should be coming to a close. Please know that I am holding you and your family in my heart, and that I was there with you in spirit. I loved your mom, and I hope this letter brings you some joy at a time of sadness.”
Here’s another:
John had been in a terrible car accident. He spent a week in the hospital, followed by additional weeks in rehab learning to walk again. During that time, his wife Jessie was struggling to take care of the house, manage their three kids, and coordinate John’s doctor’s appointments. Friends and family pitched in, volunteered to do pick ups and drop offs for the kids, and were generous in asking Jessie what she needed. But most days she didn’t know how to respond to that question. Finally John was able to come home. That’s when Jessie received a call from a local restaurant. The restaurant owner explained that Jessie’s employer had arranged for the restaurant to provide a catered Thanksgiving dinner for 20 people whenever they were ready. The man assured her there was no rush— she and the family could decide when John would be ready to have friends and family over to visit, and that an entire turkey dinner would be fully provided—from the carved turkey to all the side dishes, and they’d even include disposable plates, utensils and napkins so there’d be minimal cleanup. Jessie was overwhelmed with gratitude. Although it was only April, they were able to plan for a “Give Thanks and Welcome Home John” party, and the entire dinner was taken care of by Jessie’s generous boss.
Sometimes your gesture can be grand— like a fully catered meal for someone in recovery. Sometimes it can be as simple as a hand-written letter.
As for me and what to do for my friend Marcus, I decided to make him a blanket.
When in doubt— when you don’t know what to do during a difficult time for someone else— try defaulting to what you know: choose a talent you have (i.e. make something), choose something you are known for (your famous apple pie), or simply take the time to write a heart-felt letter (which anyone can do, regardless of your lack of arts and crafts skills!)
I made it my mission to get Marcus’ blanket made and shipped to him before he went into the hospital for his surgery. I bought the softest, most snuggly yarn imaginable, and then I put love into every stitch I crocheted. His wife sent me a picture post-surgery of Marcus in his hospital bed sleeping, with my blanket tucked warmly on top of him. She said that my gift was so meaningful and special, and that Marcus would be getting a lot of use out of it during his recovery at home.
Sometimes when someone is sick, suffering, or dealing with the unimaginable, it can be very uncomfortable for us as observers. We often don’t know what to do. Have you ever taken the approach, “I don’t want to bother them at this time. I’ll wait and see how things are going in a few weeks. Then I will reach out.” Or sometimes worse, you ask the person or family, “What can I do for you? What do you need?”—two questions that can be overwhelming for that person to answer.
What if instead you decided that you’re going to be the kind of person who steps up and takes action? Do something that shows your love and support. Don’t wait. Don’t do nothing.
Do something. Go with what you know. And trust that whatever you decide to do will be genuinely appreciated.
This Week’s Resources
Cue the Confetti!
I’ve been overwhelmed with so many wonderful stories of Confetti Moments ever since my book launched in November. This one was particularly heart-warming, and with permission I get to share my friend’s idea:
My mother suffered from dementia for about 13 years. As we approached the Christmas where I knew it would be her memory’s last, she was concerned and anxious about buying her grandchildren’s gifts. I suggested to her the following: Give each of your two grandchildren $ 500 with the following conditions:
They must spend the money on themselves. They can’t put it in the bank, pay off debt or any other purpose other than buying something.
The gift they purchase must be expected to last at least 50 years and hopefully longer!
They must share with their grandma what they purchased and why.
My daughter purchased an antique blanket chest. That chest sits at the bottom of her bed. Every time she opens it, she is reminded of Grandma’s last Christmas. She loves her blanket chest.
My son purchased a set of hand tools. Every time he pulls a socket, ratchet or screwdriver from the box he also has the opportunity to remember Grandma. No gift he has ever received gets more use than this one.
My Mom was able to understand what was happening and was able to experience a great joy of giving on her “last Christmas holiday.” It was a Confetti Moment, indeed.
What to Give Someone Who Is Sick or Injured
I know I suggested in my notes above that when a friend is sick or injured, you can use your own talents to make something special for them. However, if creativity is not your strong suit, I came across this article with some simple gifts-giving ideas that you don’t have to make on your own: https://www.realsimple.com/holidays-entertaining/gifts/gifts-for-sick-injured-people
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